Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Dark Skies

Rated PG-13

DIRECTOR / WRITER: Scott Stewart

STARRING: Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton, Dakota Goyo, Kaden Rockett, J.K. Simmons



Felicity has grown up, become a real-estate agent and lives in an a-typical le blanc de skin California suburban neighborhood with her ball and chain and two little cusses (Dakota Goyo & Kadan Rockett). Her husband (Josh Hamilton) is out of work and the family is grippin' hard on some first world problems. But what's this? Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.. err, in the home. Totes McGoats. What or who is the cause of these wackadoo antics and do they use gloves when twiddle-dippin' your starfish?

The ads looked decent. I'm always up for a possible close encounter of the third kind. Fire In The Sky made me wear a tin foil hat when I was a kid, can you relate? Horror flicks with a dash of science-fiction or vice versa is a fave sub-genre of mine. John Carpenter's The Thing is fucking cinematic fucking genius but I'm getting sidetracked. I haven't seen a good Sci-Fi spookfest in a dick year, so I was minor stoked to see this. Also, Signs was hella fuckin' rad and if you aren't on board with that, well.. that's just like your opinion, man. So, did Dark Skies try to abduct the awesomeness or did I get beamed into T'Pol's quarters for a skimpy clothed Vulcan neuropressure session?

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Silent Hill: Revelation

Rated R

DIRECTOR / WRITER: Michael J. Bassett

STARRING: Adeleaide Clemens, Kit Harrington, Sean Bean, Carrie-Ann Moss, Malcolm McDowell, Radha Mitchell



Fuck. There's a cult trapped by an evil presence, there are some demons and shit massacring folks, there's an abducted father (Sean Bean) who was trying to keep his daughter (Adelaide Clemens) out of Silent Hill and she doesn't know who she really is (it's important though) and is like, fuck it, I'm going to Silent Hill to save my Dad. Then there's a dude (Kit Harrington) who is like, fuck it, you're hot, I shall accompany you on this bananas expedition. That's the basic setup in my mongoloid gibberish hand scrawl digit button mashing remembrance matrix.

I go to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Hollywood every year and the Silent Hill Revelation maze this last year was not too shabby. There were bloody pink bunnies and skin-wad-faced nurses in skimpy outfits swinging shit at my peripherals in the dark and some type of mannequin situation.  Can't say I remember jack shit about the trailer for this. I thought the first Silent Hill movie was decent but I'm not like a card carrying member of the Silent Hill bukakay club. The original video game has a badass story premise. I know that. So, pretty much a blank slate going in other than the fun I had cruising around the maze at HHN Hollywood. Did Silent Hill Revelation sneak under my radar because it was turd traveling up wind or did my soul urinate itself on the rapture ride in Silent Hill's Revelation coaster?

The Awakening

Rated R


STARRING: Rebecca Hall, Dominic West, Imelda Staunton, Isaac Hempstead Wright



*PREFACE - As you peruse this article, your inner-monologue should be construed in a strong proper British accent. Bite your arm off!*

England. 1921. Florence Cathcart (Rebecca Hall), an educated woman (for shame!), frigidly goes about her personal business of debunking ghostly hoaxes and revealing con artists. Enter Robert Mallory (Dominic West) who represents a boys boarding school in the quiet countryside of Cumbria. At this preparatory, the legendary ghost of a murdered lad is apparently responsible for frightening pupils quite literally to death. Robert invites Florence to assess the situation around Holiday. Tish Tosh.

Rebecca Hall is properly delicious. Enjoyed her work in both The Town & The Prestige. Dominic West is a right strong actor and attacked the block all over Centurion and John Carter. So, yeah, I bloody hell enjoyed the trailer for The Awakening. I predicted a well acted film at the very least and hoped that the story would be more than perfunctory. The Awakening did seem, in most aspects, well done. My queries before sauntering into the theater were this: Will tomfoolery of a preternatural or supernatural sort transpire? Will Tom Foolery show up at all; the cunt? How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

House At The End Of The Street

Rated PG-13
DIRECTOR: Mark Tonderai   STARRING: Jennifer Lawrence, Max Thieriot, Elisabeth Shue

CRITICAL SCORE:  6 / 10                    BULLET POINTS:  5 / 10

A quite young looney dudette shreds off her mommy and daddy's  mortal coils and goes missing. Fast forward to disenfranchised hot mother / daughter combo moving into the house next door to the town pariah, the brooding son who has inherited his dead 'rents house... and that house is at the end of that street, y'all. 

Here's what I remember from the trailer. Jennifer Lawrence is upset, hot and wearing a dirty tank top. So, SOLD, in other words. Again, missed a lot of movies at the theater this year due to shenanigans. A few friends with similar taste in movies told me House sucked. Me, I think Jennifer Lawrence is rad as fuck. Yes, she was awesome in Winter's Bone. But I don't mind telling you I've had a small crush ever since I saw her doing her press run before The Hunger Games. She's snarky, unaffected, majorly talented, easy on the eyes and the list goes on. There was no way I was not going to check this flick out. Honestly though, I only did because Lawrence is a really good actress. I was pretty much a clean slate going in, either way. So, did Jennifer sing me a siren song or, like the Talking Heads, should we be burnin' down the house?...