Sunday, March 3, 2013

Silent Hill: Revelation

Rated R

DIRECTOR / WRITER: Michael J. Bassett

STARRING: Adeleaide Clemens, Kit Harrington, Sean Bean, Carrie-Ann Moss, Malcolm McDowell, Radha Mitchell



Fuck. There's a cult trapped by an evil presence, there are some demons and shit massacring folks, there's an abducted father (Sean Bean) who was trying to keep his daughter (Adelaide Clemens) out of Silent Hill and she doesn't know who she really is (it's important though) and is like, fuck it, I'm going to Silent Hill to save my Dad. Then there's a dude (Kit Harrington) who is like, fuck it, you're hot, I shall accompany you on this bananas expedition. That's the basic setup in my mongoloid gibberish hand scrawl digit button mashing remembrance matrix.

I go to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Hollywood every year and the Silent Hill Revelation maze this last year was not too shabby. There were bloody pink bunnies and skin-wad-faced nurses in skimpy outfits swinging shit at my peripherals in the dark and some type of mannequin situation.  Can't say I remember jack shit about the trailer for this. I thought the first Silent Hill movie was decent but I'm not like a card carrying member of the Silent Hill bukakay club. The original video game has a badass story premise. I know that. So, pretty much a blank slate going in other than the fun I had cruising around the maze at HHN Hollywood. Did Silent Hill Revelation sneak under my radar because it was turd traveling up wind or did my soul urinate itself on the rapture ride in Silent Hill's Revelation coaster?

A lot of people worked hard on this film. No disrespect to you. Now that's out of the way. Buckle your pink parts down to the seat you fuckin' hicks because Todd Bob is cranking up this rusty shitbucket of a review. Is this film a fucking comedy? Is someone fucking with me here? This slut was hysterical. Look, I'm in a cussy mood you little snatch tits, so fuckin' pre-fuckin'-pare for the rape-massacre of the vibratory knobholes of your personal disgusting inward monkey voice dialogue as I slice the nipples off of this shitpiss diarrhea we call American English. For cock's sake. What are we here for? This cinematic dingle berry, Silent Hill: Revelation. I don't know. Maybe seeing this in 3D would be so absolutely fucking mesmerizing that my brain would jitter and mindgasm, creating an ultra-dimensional wave of pure bliss, blasting invisible microscopic atom-splitting sperm through every pore in my skin, impregnating the ba-fuckin-gillions of particles in the very air around me with babies made of glittering unicorn farts, fireworks, blushing cheeks of porn stars and twelve fried pickles on a mink towel and crack the very existence of reality giving birth to a reverse apocalypse.. but I doubt it. I bet it sucks in 3D too.

Seriously. What a fuckin' mess. Welcome to recap central, where nutstitched in the first half hour is an overwrought painful retelling of events we've seen in previous films. Silent Hill: Retelliation. Maybe it'll be one of those films that you watch again later, knowing you're in for a steaming stream of piss in the eyes BUT THIS TIME you wear sunglasses and a protective pissbag covering and voi-bitchass-la, you like golden showers when there's no piss on the skin. Or not. Sometimes horrible flicks are just funny entertainment the second time around. I'm just going to pretend that Radha Mitchell and Sean Bean aren't in the movie. I'll just excise that from the internal circuitry. Malcolm McDowell. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing? You were in A Clockwork Orange. Stop dickholing your legacy with an anal mace. I tried to take a shit out of a tree once when I was a kid and an adult saw me, came outside and was like, what the fuck are you doing and I tried to convince him I had no clue what he was talking about. I was 5. I did a better job acting than you did here. And you're fucking legendary, mate. Carrie-Ann Moss or next door neighbor's mom dressed as S&M fairy Gandalf?

CGI twittle piss. Also, the applicable effects are no good when I can actually see the glue and lines of the prosthetic pieces on the actors. Lop off a dolphin's nose and punch a sea turtle with an ice pick. What was that mannequin spider vampire cat teethed anus hole gynecological kamasutra experiment thing supposed to be? Mannequin 3: The Reckoning. Where's Kim Catrall? This movie looked like a polished cartoon created by an absolute maniac who, in fact, is himself, a cartoon. Do they make tranqs for such a being?

Dialogue. Dear fuck, did anyone actually read the script before greenlighting this digital genital wart farm? Hating Facebook was mentioned three times in about a seven minute span. Passive Aggressive Ad Campaign?  The fucking Seal of Metatron!! Where's Optimus Prime? "Is that a gang sign?" says the cop. You mean the bloody satanic looking seal dripping on the wall? I don't know. If I show you my hand, is it a toast cobra? The stars you see when vomiting from alcohol poisoning are definitely a window to another galaxy. Silent Hill: Incompetent Money Grab 3D. Nice "Boss Fight" BTW. Like Hellraiser fisting Mortal Kombat in a gay leather Nazi bunker.

You just read it. I'm not one to kick a horse when it's down but *BOFF!* in the goolies.

I hate seeing good actors in swill. That's part of the risks an actor takes every single time he or she does a film. Lots of good actors in this. I'd say I felt bad for you, but you are actually working. So. There's that.

Adelaide Clemens. I like you. You've got chops and talent. None of this is on you. You and Kit kept me watching. Looking forward to seeing you in an actual film. PS - You're cute.

Kit Harrington. Listen, Stark, I like you too. I know you are a really good actor (you turn in amazing performance after amazing performance on Game of Thrones) and I think you showed it here, even in this atrocity. Again, this is not on you. PS - You are also cute. My "sister" said so.

CG blood. Gallons of Pixels. Real fake blood too. Mutilations galore, lopped off digits, bullet wounds, weirdo skin slurping. Yeah. Gushers. Too polished pretty to be disturbing though.

Like a passenger in my own full throttle whore train mental ward of a mind, I laughed until my starfish blew out of my pants leg writing this. So, I put forth that I am not actually in control of my digits as they type this twattle. Clearly, fucking Satan wrote this review. Silent Hill: Revelation sucks a cantaloupe out of a squirrel's urethra. It was like cruising through a haunted house created by a mentally deficient but somehow living swarm of fart cloud creatures that were birthed by passing through a Hollywood agent's cocaine vegan bubble gut at a flea-market horror convention from noshing on a 'Spooky Willy' green spinach spanakopita. The Silent Hill franchise deserves better and so do horror fans. Much better. I liked the lead actors. I'll say that. And there is the slight possibility that in this film's complete and utter failure, a future viewing will endear it in it's hilarious awfultasticness. Wait. Is this a comedy? Because I'm telling you, this motherfucker is funny. I upped it's score on entertainment value. Like watching two stutterers consonant fight over a pool of B's, P's, S's and T's. B,B,Buh,B,BuhBuh,B, Boy, th-that, S,S,Su,S,S,Suh,Suh,Suck,S,S, Sucked.

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