THE EXPENDABLES

Rated R

DIRECTOR: Sylvester Stallone
STARRING: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Gary Daniels, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Testosterone
WRITTEN BY: Sylvester Stallone, David Callaham



CRITICAL SCORE: 6 / 10

BULLET POINTS: 7 / 10

PLOT

Sly and his band of mercenaries are hired by Bruce Willis to overthrow a dictator (backed by a corrupt U.S. Agent and his cronies - played by Eric Roberts, Steve Austin and Gary Daniels) in a foreign country, are double-crossed and the motherfuckin' diarrhea shits blast all up in the proverbial fan.

TRAILER TRASH

After seeing the trailers, I wasn't as hype about this flick as my friends.  I thought THE EXPENDABLES looked okay, but that it was probably going to be another let down with slick camera work, watered down action, too much CGI and lame fight sequences not involving the main cast actually fighting one another.  I basically thought these guys were going to beat a bunch of extras to death while trying to look cool and save face.  So, did I clock that bitch in the sweet spot or did THE EXPENDABLES actually snarl its upper lip and deliver a beating to it's audience like the red-headed stepchildren they are?!

LOCK AND LOAD

Listen up all men, hermaphrodites, cross-dressers and anyone(thing) with a pair of danglies.  It is your fucking duty as a ball swinger to get your pansy-ass to the theatre and see THE EXPENDABLES.  If you're a chick, and you have more cojones then your dude, I implore you to shake your little ass over to your local cinema, make numbnuts go with you and he might stop "borrowing" your eyeliner and skinny jeans.



Look, THE EXPENDABLES isn't going to be accused of having an intricate plot, underlying themes or subtle nuanced performances that exemplify the range of human emotions.  The plot gets you from A to B to ass whoopin' C and the performances are solid from Stallone, Rourke, Statham, Lundgren, Austin, Li and Roberts.  All you need to know about THE EXPENDABLES is that it is a rock hard, adrenaline fueled action flick that actually delivers abundantly on it's promise to kick your teeth right out of your pouty girl mouth. The fights are well-choreographed without losing their raw edge.  The car chases, aerial combat, weapon discharges and explosions are chiseled with thunderous hammer-claps that will make your man-tooth rattle.  Come to think of it, the sound department did a great job on this flick.  From set up to pay off, THE EXPENDABLES delivers a dumptruck of muscle bound carnage and that, my friends, is a rarity in this day and age of emasculated, nutless action flicks. 

PICKING BONES

Randy Couture is not an actor, nor a public speaker... nor someone who should have lines.  He is painfully awful and kind of a waste of space in this flick as his skills weren't really even showcased.

Terry Crews is just bad.  I don't mean bad as in good.  I mean bad as in shitpile atrocious.

Eric Roberts wasn't convincing nor did his character have sufficient motive to not just walk away.  The fault lies twofold, with the actor's shallow performance and the script.  Also, a main villain that can actually maim a lion with his bare hands would have been a better choice.  Which leads me to my next point...

His name is Jean Claude Van Damme and somebody somewhere fucking failed miserably by not securing him for this film.  If they do a sequel, JCVD is a must have.

Furthermore, Michael Jai White, Kurt Russell, Wesley Snipes, Mark Dacascos, Triple H & Vin Diesel.

This film was in desperate desperate need of the fairer sex in full display.  Truth.

BREAKING BONES

Stone Cold VS Stallone

Gary Daniels VS Jet Li & Jason Statham

Dolph Lundgren VS Jet Li

The AA12 Assault Shotgun used by Terry Crews character in the finale hallway scene.  FUUUUUUUUCK.

SPLATTER FACTOR

Dismemberment, broken bones, lacerations, stabbings, guttings, people blown in half, people blown up entirely, decapitations, bullet wounds, head shots... destruction incarnate and hemoglobin spewed to and fro like a jet of piss from a racehorse.

THE KILLSHOT

To a society that is hellbent on emasculating men, that compares a man who actually hits the gym and has shoulders to the trashbag dipshits on 'Jersey Shore' (because apparently having muscle is only for people with low IQ's and bad taste) and to a media who would have you believe that the preferred version of a man is more akin to one of the fruitcakes off of 'Gossip Girl' over, say, Jason Statham - I say fuck yourself and so does THE EXPENDABLES.  The fact that 40% of the audience going to see THE EXPENDABLES has been women speaks volumes.  On a side note: Thank you Mr. Statham for trying to keep a man's action movie somewhat relevant in this day and age.  THE EXPENDABLES is here to help you remember what escapist action-packed entertainment is for someone with testosterone.  This movie is not meant to be clever or deep.  THE EXPENDABLES is a breed of film that is sorely missed and frankly, not something that I thought I'd see again at the theatre.  This flick almost works on a throwback Grindhouse type of level because it's point of view remains locked in the 80's, yet it has a modern edge with its use of the medium.  I loved this film for the most part, with all of it's flaws.  Every kick, punch and gunshot has a conviction behind it that a lot of modern films don't and although it misses the mark in it's misuse (or lack of use) of some characters, there are definitely worthy match ups that don't disappoint.  THE EXPENDABLES is a great time, if for nothing else, than for pure nostalgia.  Go. See it.  Rediscover your nutsack.